I always seemed convinced that to be in love, really in love only came around once. I woke up from that illusion, like an ice bucket was poured onto my face to get me out of that dream.

I fell in love once. Then fell out. More like walked out, in baby steps. Each step stamping my heart with truth: the fact that this human being wasn’t the one to meet the close with. This human certainly opened up my heart. Shwoed me how fully and deeply I was capable of loving. But my heart had more beating to do on its own.

So, as I slowly etched myself away from this, I was kicked out. Broken up with and left. These words at some point scared me, the idea of being alone. It was like a horror movie I watched with half an eye open.

But then, there I was. Alone.
Alone and relieved. Relieved because I no longer had to convince myself and this person that this thing that wasn’t working, was.

It was  a “Waiting to Exhale” moment. I could finally breathe. And contrary to the fear that kept me there for so long, I was glowing on my  own. Without him.
I was actually okay.

For two weeks. Just two weeks.
And enter this new person, who hit me like a wave. Showed me things about myself I needed to uncover. We were both somewhat broken. I knew in my heart I was a distraction for her own heartbreak and honestly, I didn’t  even mind. I liked the idea of being wanted  but not being wanted all at the same time.

And so I found myself, at the bottom of countless bottles of wine and tequila, in love. Not knowing how I got there, not knowing if this was actually love. But feeling my heart ache because I wound up alone again, only not wanting to be this time. I clung to the idea of her. Of someone I didn’t know.

I dont know if I could even call it love.
It was one of those Elizabeth Gilbert stories.
The one that came right after the big one.
An afterbirth love.
A messy one.

Imagine that. I escaped heart break, only to walk straight into it somewhere else. Having to dig my my way out of it because I didn’t even know if I deserved to feel hurt.

This love thing is a tricky thing. It hides in places unexpected. So I have stopped searching for it in other people.

But even with that. I do believe that I will find it one day. That love that calms your soul and answers questions you haven’t even thought to ask, all while shaking you up at the same time.

I look forward to that, to meeting them wherever they are.

For now though, I think I’ll just pour all this love I want back into myself.
                                   -Nonjabulo Kandawire 


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